You Think You See, But You Have No Idea

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Jasper, Alabama, United States

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sometimes its so crazy you just gotta laugh!

Things can always get worst.
Sunday night my left hearing aid went dead. Nothing. Just Dead.
So, yesterday, I took it to the audies office (audiologist office). He confirmed my diagnosis.
"Its dead."
I sent it off to be repaired. At the small nominal fee of $283.00. That may sound like a lot. Its really not that bad. In Atlanta that would have cost me 4-500.
I did get an estimate for my new aids while I was there. About $1500.00-$2000.00 each. Again - not bad. Me and the audie are going to try "tweak" the ones I have to see if I can get a little more life out of them, to buy me some time to save the money.
I take Cam on Wednesday to get new ear molds made. More money.
Mon mon money Money Moooonnnney....


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Not Loud Enough, too loud, Not Loud Enough, too loud, Not Loud Enou...

Now that I'm aware of my failing aids, I have been forced to use setting 3 (the loudest setting programed on them). This wouldn't be so bad, except setting 3 wasn't intended to be used as my primary, so the background noise is huge and the loud clanking and beeping noises in the kitchen are horrific. Makes for a tiring day, and a saddened state of mind. All I want to do when I get home is sit in the silence.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Hearing in the Dark

When I was pregnant with Cam, we read all the books, went to all the classes, quizzed all our friends and family trying to gain information that would help us with labor and delivery. When I saw the pamphlet for Lamaze classes that were being offered at the hospital that I would be having my baby at, I snatched it up. After all, thats what you do when your having a baby, you go to Lamaze. When I got home, I made the called and found out when the classes started. We were told to bring a pillow. I was so excited. Lar was too. The afternoon came, we got dressed, drove down the the hospital. It was so thrilling to know we were going to get to share time with other parents and learn techniques to help with labor and delivery. When we got there, we went to the wrong floor. Searched. Panic. No one knew what we were talking about. This was a new program that was being offered. So we read our pamphlet again, and realized our mistake. We were 10 minutes late. Uggg, I hate to be late. When we got there, no big deal, we weren't the only ones who had gotten lost. Thank goodness.

We began the class by going around the room telling our names, and if it was our first child.
How fun this was.
Then the instructor told us to get in a comfy position with our partners behind us.
We were going to start by learning some relaxation techniques.

Then to my horror, without warning, she turned OFF the lights!!!

Larry could feel me tense up. He rubbed my arm. Letting me know he was there with me and it was okay.

Then she began to teach the class.
I heard nothing she was saying, because not only was I in the dark, she was whispering.
Then to my horror again, I heard the parents apparently answering questions.
Please, please don't let her ask me anything.

We laid there in the dark for what seemed like eternity.

I know they were talking and discussing things, because every now and then someone would be just loud enough I could hear parts of what they were saying.

To say the least, it was a nightmare.

Then the lights came back on and it was time for a break. Snacks and drinks.

Larry took one look at me and said, "you want to go?" I just nodded my head yes.

We slipped out the door without ever saying a word to anyone.
The minute we were out in the hallway, I burst into tears.
I was devastated. My first real important task as a mother and I failed.

The next day I went to see my chiropractor. He asked me how Lamaze went. I told him the story. Then he gave me the best advice anyone gave me my entire pregnancy (as far as labor and delivery) "You don't need Lamaze. Your body knows what to do. Trust it."

So I did. I had the most wonderful and perfect delivery. It went a beautifully as I had hoped it would.

The thing about this story that I find interesting is the fact that now, I would jump right in there and be like "Wooooohhhaaa,,,what are we doing here? I'm hearing impaired, I'm going to get nothing out of a class in the dark." Then see if we could reschedule for a Lamaze that would be more appropriate for my situation.

It really doesn't matter though, because in the end, it worked out.

I'm just so thankful that I can now speak up when its "too dark" for me and I can't hear. I have to be Cams advocate, and show him the way to be his own advocate....
I have to show him the way out of the darkness.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The Journey Out of Darkness

I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now. I've been doing my research for hearing aids. Found the perfect ones for Cam and I.
They can be ours, for a one time low price of: $10,198.00!
Thats right folks, over 10 grand.
I have health insurance. Woopee. It has a discount plan for hearing aids that will save us "UP" to 25%. That brings our total (if we get the entire 25%) to $7,648.50.
Do you know what I make in a year? Less than $15,000.
It would take me 8 months, or more, to save that, saving EVERY cent.
Geez. Thats horrible.

My money is mine. Lar pays all the bill and takes care of us. So I can spend my cash on extra things for myself and Cam. Anything special. Clothing, sports, fun, school activities.

Not to mention that even if we scrimped and saved and found away to make it work, Cam and I would have to go an entire year without the aids we so desperately need.

Got to find a way to make it happen.

So! The journey for new aids begins.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Greatest Show On Earth

Now that I'm aware of the fact that my aids are not working as well as they should be, it REALLY bugs me.
I want to hear what people are saying. The first time they say it.

Guess I'll have to start saving the money for the new aids. Let's just see how long it takes me...

On a good note though. Today at work, I asked the manager on duty to turn the music down so I could hear my guest better. (For those of you who don't know I work in a restaurant)
I actually asked for an accommodation!
That might not sound like much to most people but its a big step for me. I've always thought of myself as a typical hearing person... ha ha thats a joke. I had to become an adult and see though my child the BIG picture. To see what a handicap being hearing impaired really is.
Then I realized that I had to teach other people what being hearing impaired is really about.

Oooh, the crazy fun world of working in the service industry with hearing aids. It really forces me to push the limits. It forces me to live in the hearing world as a hearing impaired person. It forces me to make it okay for those around me that I'm hearing impaired. Its odd that I have to make it okay, for them to be okay, with the fact that I have a disability.

Sometimes my life feels like a circus act.




"Now. Are you okay with that?"
"How can I help you be okay with that?"
"Let me show you how this works."
"Let me show you how to, help you, make this work."

So whats next?
I guess, not becoming that "HANDICAPPED" person?

Its such a fine line. A balancing act, really.
Just like the Circus,
Sometimes I'm walking the tight rope,
sometimes I'm the freak show,
sometimes I'm playing the clown,

But the best time of all
is when I get to take off my costume, my mask, leave the circus at work,
and just
sit at home with my family,
and just be ME.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

What Planet Are You On?

I can remember watching an episode of the origional Star Trek when I was about 6 or 7 years old, where the Enterprise visited a planet where they killed off all babies that were not born perfect. So they were trying to create a society that was "perfect".
I told my mom, who was watching it with me, that I thought it was sad that they killed the babies, but I also thought it would be neat to live on that planet. No one was suffering because everyone was perfect.
She said, "Yeah?"
"Well you wouldn't be on that planet, then would you?"

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I Think I Need Some Bug Spray

My boss said to me today,
"I can't help it that you misunderstood me."
That bugged me.
Do I just have a complex or is it a legitimate concern?