To hear or not to hear, that is the question.

I wonder what its like to have "normal" hearing. Some parts of it would be nice I'm sure. I just don't think I would like hearing when I'm used to silence.
Pros of not hearing:
For instance, when its time to go to sleep and I take out my hearing aids, or, when I'm taking a bath. I can't stand the sound of running water, or the sound of a razor while shaving my legs. I don't like the sound of a vacuum cleaner, nor do I like the noise of a mixer or blender. (I turn off my hearing aids before doing those things) Sometimes it just relaxing to turn the noise off. I like being able to just turn off my hearing aids when I want silence.
Then there are times I wish it wasn't an issue.
Cons of not hearing:
Swimming. When a doctor ask me to remove them. When I'm around water with my child (sprinklers, amusement parks with water rides). When your husband wakes you in the middle of the night for love. (nothing more sexy than "Hang on let me get my hearing aids", or better yet, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?" Or when you want to be able to hear your sick/crying/scared child in the middle of the night. Someones at the door knocking. Your cell phone is at the bottom of your purse in the floor board of your car. When you have to knock on someones door (you rarely hear "come in" or "go away"...lol) Movies. Telephones. Cell phones. TV.
Then there are so many more issues that don't even envolve just not hearing. They involve mis-understanding. That's a whole 'nother talk show baby.
Okay so the Cons out weigh the Pros of not hearing in my book. All I need now is my fairy god mother to wave her magic wand.
BUT. Then I wouldn't be me.
Maybe I would be better.
Maybe I would be lost.

Maybe it will never matter.

Hummm.....

6 months of pondering

I haven't written in over 6 months.
I started to feel like I was whining. It came to a point where I had to decide if I was advocating or making excuses.
It took my son (as it almost always does) to open my eyes.
Cam took a spelling test at school. He failed. He's never made anything below 100 on a spelling test. Now I must tell you this is the Thursday "pre-test". The test that counts is taken on Friday.
When I asked what happened this is what he told me: "I was talking to a classmate before she started the test and I didn't know it started. I couldn't catch up, and she wouldn't repeat the words when I asked her to." Now I feel I must tell you that his teacher is a wonderful teacher and she even gave him the test a second time. The second time he was pondering a word and she went on to the next one. He asked her to repeat the word and she wouldn't. Now this made me FURIOUS!!! Now, I will tell you that I did scold him for talking in class because it's against the rules and he would not have been left behind on the first test, but what needs to be noted here is that even though he was breaking the rules he was at a disadvantage. He can't follow a background conversation. Do you think the little girl he was talking to before test #1 knew the test had started? Of course she did. Even though it was his actions that caused him to be behind, it was his handicap that caused him to miss out.
Now the second test, that is an entirely different irritation. These words all sound the same. And as a hearing impaired person myself I can tell you it is very hard to hear words called out during an oral test. But these words were: hose, rose, (those two not only rhyme but are formed the same on the lips no lipreading there) rode, those, hope, woke, joke, (again very similar on the lips...grrr) bone, stone, home. A hard of hearing kids nightmare!!! Not only does he have to figure out what word was said, but then his little 6 year old brain has to make the connection from the brain to the ear then he has to remember how to spell it, figure out how to write it, then try to decide if all of that's correct. Give me a break.
So I flipped my lid.
We studied the words again this time I gave him tips for lipreading and hard of hearing thinking. Something I've never done.
On Friday, he made a 100. As always. My kid's ability to overcome never ceases to amaze me.

Did I go to the school. No. Should I have? Maybe. Its one of those parental decisions you never know if you got it right.
I guess my thinking was if it was his final grade I would have, and at the same time it was an opportunity for him to be made aware of struggles he will have to face all of his life.
Will I bring it up at a teachers meeting. You bet. There's always room for them to learn and attempt to understand that he's always at a disadvantage when it comes to hearing. Will I have to have the way he is given his spelling tests changed, probably. But for now we're going to let it ride.

This is where I feel I've changed. I mean I can YELL AND SCREAM AND YELL AND SCREAM, but in the end it doesn't really help much. And it just makes me angry. I have to choose my battles.
This time I chose to put my anger aside and find a way to help my son deal with his limitations.

Closed Captioning in my Mind

We have had our first bit of warm weather here! Its so nice.
Not too much happening in the Hard of Hearing part of my life. Just the everyday getting by and irritation at not hearing things I want to hear.
Now that I'm aware of the world thats out there, I hate missing out. I've noticed that I have the biggest trouble with groups or side conversations (as do most HoH people) where people think you were listening in, and expect a response....I don't know what to say so I do the...(uhhhh), smile, nod, (please be the right response), look away quickly. Irritating. When I'm in a group I try not to talk too much, I tend to make myself look like an idiot. People are like "What are you talking about?", and then I'm like "Oh, I thought we were talking about something different, never mind." then I exit as quickly as I can to avoid any more humiliation. Sometimes I wish I had closed captioning in my mind or better yet on the inside of my glasses, like they do on those sci-fi movies! Only in the movies its enemy info they are reading, but the same concept.

Everything but the kitchen sink is in this post...Closed Captioning, Hearing Test, IEP's, Movies...

I started using the closed captioning on my T.V.
Let me tell you I was shocked. I've been watching some of favorite movies, again - for the first time! I can not believe what all I was missing.

Cam had his first "big person" hearing test last week. Its the first hearing test with truly accurate results.
His hearing loss is almost identical to mine. It shocked me actually. I was comparing his to mine and I got confused as to which was which. I had to look closely to keep it strait.
On a good note though nothings changed. (I'm always afraid he might lose hearing.) Not this time though, Thank Heavens.

We got Cam's IEP set up for next year and met with his 1st grade teacher. I think she is going to be fantabulas (my own created word there). That was an adventure all in its self. As the head of the special education department from the Board of Education said "We have a delightful problem with Cam, he doesn't qualify for services." Crazy I know, but its like his hearing is a disadvantage not a disability. His hearing is the disability which causes him to be at a disadvantage which qualifies him. Crazy yeah.
I thought it was hysterical that I had to get a hearing test to "prove" he was hearing impaired. I guess the hearing aids in his ears wasn't proof enough.

Anyone seen the new movie Knowing? Not giving away anything here, but the little boy character in the movie was hearing impaired and wore a hearing aid. Too Cute. Odd but facinating movie. I think it was the hearing impaired little boy with a hearing aid that I loved so much. :)

It's baseball time again!

Cam has the most awesome baseball coaches ever! I mentioned today at practice how I might need to help him look where he needs to look in order to follow their directions on the field, and his coaches said they already noticed that and were going to work with him... They went on to say, they've coached Cam for 3 years and they'll take care of him, and see to it he knows whats going own. How wonderful!

He is so cute out there playing ball. Sorry you guys, but I'll be living at the ball field for the next few months, your going to hear a lot about it... :)

I can love myself and my ears

I am so amazed by how much self acceptance along with the awareness of my own needs that I have acquired since I started this blog. Writing this blog has had the most profound impact on who I am as a person and how I view myself and how I view being HoH. It has truly opened my eyes to a world within myself that I didn't even know existed. I had no idea how much my life was effected by wearing hearing aids and being hearing impaired. Almost every area of my life is effected by being HoH, and yet I had never given it much consideration, nor did I know how much help I needed.
It seems so easy now. This is who I was meant to be. Becoming aware of my limitations has, as odd as it may sound, been the most freeing and liberating experience.
I'll give you an example. The other day at my little boys baseball game, I said, without even thinking about it, to one of the other mothers, that I needed to coach Cam to play as a hearing impaired child. (to use his eyes as his ears) I was shocked that I said it so casual. Then later I said I need to tell the coach that when Cam is on second base and looking at his coach for the signal to run, he needs to stay focused on Cam, so Cam can stay focused on him. Then just as natural as could be, one of the moms commented to me about something that had been said and I asked her what had been said because I couldn't hear. Wow. In the past I would have just done the yeah, I don't know what your talking about but I'll pretend I do, nod.
Its really okay to be Hard of Hearing. Its okay to need help. Its okay to ask. Its okay to be hearing impaired and not pretend you hear everything. Because I don't hear everything, and sometimes I do need help.

Not fearing the unheard

I'm proud of myself.
I'm proud of all that I can do, despite the hardship.
I'm proud that I can do what I fear.
I can live and function in a world that doesn't notice that I struggle.
I can do it all, and still be sane....
I noticed today that I have risen above, above my own fears.
For that I am proud.