Do You Hear What I See?

IEP time again...

2010-09-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

Its simple really.
Being 7 is hard. Being 7 with a hearing loss is even harder.
Realizing that you don't hear what typical hearing people hear is hard. Realizing this when your 7, is nearly impossible.
Accepting when someone tells you what you heard is incorrect is difficult. Accepting this when your 7 isn't going to happen.
When your 7 you think the world revolves around you. When your 7 with a hearing loss, your disability is often misunderstood by the world.
At 7 your voice is small, your understanding is limited, and your ability to overcome is left in the hands of those closes to you.
Being the mother of a child with a hearing loss is hard. Being the mother, who was a hearing impaired child herself, looking into the eyes of your HOH child and understanding the tears and the struggles is even harder.
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I didn't understand how much it all mattered. I wish I thought that my HOH child making a 79 on a spelling test where no special accommodations were made for him was good. I wish I thought if my HOH childs teacher wrote notes that contain phrases such as: "If he had paid attention, I think he would have done better." or "he was working while I was giving directions." or "we read the story aloud together." meant just that. But it doesn't. For a HOH child it means EVERYTHING BUT THAT. It means he's hard of hearing. It means that he didn't know you were giving directions, it means he doesn't understand that he cant color while your going over directions, it means you read a story aloud in a noisy class room to a group of noisy 7 year olds and expected my child who can't hear well to follow and understand that story. It means YOU dont understand. All these things only mean that my child who can not hear well wasn't given the same opportunities as that of his hearing peers. These things only make me angry, because I know. I know how hard it is to be in a noisy class room with a soft spoken teacher and have that teacher blame you for naturally having the mind of a 7 year old. I know what its like to be considered "lazy" and "easily distracted" when thats not the case at all. In fact what is really going on is quite simple. Hard of hearing children adapt to their worlds, and have everyone convinced that they understand more than they really do. So. Actually the teachers don't realize they are the ones who are lazy, by not giving that little bit of extra thought. They also don't realize they are easily distracted by the fact that a child wearing hearing aids isn't a child that can hear. Hes a child with hearing aids.
HOH children don't know their limitations, they have to be given the opportunity to hear like their classmates. So! Before Cam's teachers can write such notes and I can except such grades, I have to know that he was given a chance. A chance, that's all I ask. Seems like a simple request to me.

Twenty dollars, seventy nine cents (aka $27.09)

2010-01-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

I was at Wal-Mart the other day and I bought a couple of items. I get to the register, I get out my wallet to pay. The cashier tells me the total, (that I hear as $20.79) I get out the exact change because I don't want to break a 5 dollar bill for 79 cents. The cashier is looking at it. She counts it. She is puzzled. She actually doesn't know what to do.
Oh. I must have misunderstood, I leaned over to see the total on the display screen, I see its .09. Not a big deal, I gave her too much, I say I'm sorry. She hands it back to me, I give her back 20.09. We should be good now.
Yeah right.
You got a hearing impaired person here, who apparently cant read either. Poor cashier. (to her credit she was very nice throughout the entire ordeal.) I can see the people behind me trying to figure out what my problem is. I'm embarrassed now. Why didn't I just say I was hearing impaired? I don't know. Too many years living in the hoh closet. I was caught off guard I guess. Anyway, the girl says she needs more money, I know this by her gesture, still not really understanding, just guessing. So I give her a 5 dollar bill. Okay. That should take care of it what ever it is, lets just get on with this. I want to get out of here.
Nope.
She still needs two more dollars. Finally the first thing I've truly understood her say. I get my wallet out, give her another 5.
Its done.
I walk out studying my receipt and it all becomes clear. She said $27.09. NOT $20.79
All of this happened because I heard seventy instead of seven. Two little letters caused that much agony.
I may not be able to stop it from happening again but I can keep from prolonging my agony.

"All I think about is ears." How true.

2010-01-03T13:05:00.000-08:00

I've been doing some catching up on a new blog I've been following Big Teeth & Clouds. I came across a sentence in one of her blogs that I think describes what it's like to be the mother of a hearing impaired child. All I think about is ears. Every thing is ears. Can he hear that, does he know whats going on, is he going to get hurt doing things that require hearing, is he being teased, are his hearing aids working, is his language still advancing at an age appropriate rate, does he really understand, he should be hearing that why isn't he hearing that?...the questions go on and on.
Now White Cloud and myself, our children are still young, one might think that as our children get older they would take over that responsibility of thinking about their ears and we could relax. I don't think so. Take my mom for example, she still thinks about my ears. She knows my hearing, or lack there of, better than anyone, probably better than I do. To this day, if I'm not hearing the way she thinks I should be, my mom will still ask me, "Are your hearing aids working, or are you just tired?". I'm 32 years old. I've had my aids for 30 years as of last month. My mom still thinks ears. I don't worry about what I hear. I just hear it or I don't. I get aggravated about it, but I don't WORRY about it.
Our children are lucky to have us. I'm lucky to have my mom. We are probably the only people on earth who will, after 30 years, still care if our children are hearing well. That's a special bond that I can only share with my mom. She worries about my ears, even at 32. Why? It's simple really. All she ever thought about was ears.

Why am I offended?

2009-12-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a blessed and wonderful Christmas. I know we did. We had a feast with the family, drank hot coco, we sang Christmas songs, we watched old Christmas movies. Its been so much fun I almost hate to see it go.
As I've mentioned in previous post I love closed captioning. I was a late bloomer on this one, but wow, it's so nice to hear (or should I say understand) a movie. One thing I have noticed though is I hate it when people turn off the closed captioning. We have a much beloved room mate who feels the need to turn off the captioning when I'm not watching T.V., now I know what your thinking, I'm not watching it so what does it matter. Well that's my question. Why do I get offended? I shouldn't be insulted by this, but I am. Why? It seems irrational.

Life on the Planet of the Regular Hearing Kind.

2009-12-17T19:06:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who had a sever sinus and ear infection that caused him to temporarily lose his hearing. Now he says he can empathize with my daily struggles.(he started a new job during this event, thus making his experience more dramatic.) What is really funny about it though, is I can now empathize with all the people in my life who are of ,the regular hearing kind, who have to deal with me. I mean, all the repeating, the questionable responses, all the times you talk and no one hears you....ugg. I must say it has been interesting to see it from this point of view.
Thank you to all my friends for dealing with my disability and having the patience, just to be my friend. I've always known my real friendships were few, but now I know it wasn't me, it was them.

Have I ever mentioned I do Theater?

2009-12-15T14:35:00.000-08:00

I've always be a lover of Christmas.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas season. I know I have really enjoyed this year. Due to our new economic status I have went really low key with our gifts this year. I've also discovered how to be a little more thrifty and this has actually been fun. Not nearly as stressful as when I had money and had to find the "perfect" gift. No. This year has been more about finding the fun and the spirit of the holiday season. A very nice change. Who would have thought having less money would be less stressful.

What a difference a year makes.
Cam is doing so wonderful this year. He's made the A honor roll on all of his report cards so far. His teacher has been a blessing. His principal is wonderful too. They work really hard to make sure there are no communication errors, and with a house full of hearing impaired people that's not an easy job....lol (for those who may not follow my blog, my son and myself both wear hearing aids and have moderate to severe bilateral hearing loss, I've worn hearing aids since I was 2 years and 9 months old, my son since he was 12 weeks old.)

Have I ever mentioned I do Theater?
I directed another play this past October. I've been doing theatre since I was in high school. I don't know that I've ever blogged about this. Theatre has been my true passion for most of my adult life. I've mostly been behind the scenes. I've been the director, the assistant director, the stage manager, the light and sound person, the costumer, the prop mistress, the set designer, and for one small night I was an actor. I generally won't work back stage during a production because, well, its dark and quiet. A HoH persons nightmare. Can't hear and can't read lips. Anyway, I just directed The Complete Works of William Shakespeare "abridged". It was a blast. The cast and crew were some of my closest friends so my hearing impairment was never an issue. How wonderful this was.

The cast and crew after the final production.

That's me wearing the ugg boots.
A very tired me.

To hear or not to hear, that is the question.

2009-11-16T16:03:00.000-08:00

I wonder what its like to have "normal" hearing. Some parts of it would be nice I'm sure. I just don't think I would like hearing when I'm used to silence.
Pros of not hearing:
For instance, when its time to go to sleep and I take out my hearing aids, or, when I'm taking a bath. I can't stand the sound of running water, or the sound of a razor while shaving my legs. I don't like the sound of a vacuum cleaner, nor do I like the noise of a mixer or blender. (I turn off my hearing aids before doing those things) Sometimes it just relaxing to turn the noise off. I like being able to just turn off my hearing aids when I want silence.
Then there are times I wish it wasn't an issue.
Cons of not hearing:
Swimming. When a doctor ask me to remove them. When I'm around water with my child (sprinklers, amusement parks with water rides). When your husband wakes you in the middle of the night for love. (nothing more sexy than "Hang on let me get my hearing aids", or better yet, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?" Or when you want to be able to hear your sick/crying/scared child in the middle of the night. Someones at the door knocking. Your cell phone is at the bottom of your purse in the floor board of your car. When you have to knock on someones door (you rarely hear "come in" or "go away"...lol) Movies. Telephones. Cell phones. TV.
Then there are so many more issues that don't even envolve just not hearing. They involve mis-understanding. That's a whole 'nother talk show baby.
Okay so the Cons out weigh the Pros of not hearing in my book. All I need now is my fairy god mother to wave her magic wand.
BUT. Then I wouldn't be me.
Maybe I would be better.
Maybe I would be lost.

Maybe it will never matter.

Hummm.....

6 months of pondering

2009-10-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in over 6 months.
I started to feel like I was whining. It came to a point where I had to decide if I was advocating or making excuses.
It took my son (as it almost always does) to open my eyes.
Cam took a spelling test at school. He failed. He's never made anything below 100 on a spelling test. Now I must tell you this is the Thursday "pre-test". The test that counts is taken on Friday.
When I asked what happened this is what he told me: "I was talking to a classmate before she started the test and I didn't know it started. I couldn't catch up, and she wouldn't repeat the words when I asked her to." Now I feel I must tell you that his teacher is a wonderful teacher and she even gave him the test a second time. The second time he was pondering a word and she went on to the next one. He asked her to repeat the word and she wouldn't. Now this made me FURIOUS!!! Now, I will tell you that I did scold him for talking in class because it's against the rules and he would not have been left behind on the first test, but what needs to be noted here is that even though he was breaking the rules he was at a disadvantage. He can't follow a background conversation. Do you think the little girl he was talking to before test #1 knew the test had started? Of course she did. Even though it was his actions that caused him to be behind, it was his handicap that caused him to miss out.
Now the second test, that is an entirely different irritation. These words all sound the same. And as a hearing impaired person myself I can tell you it is very hard to hear words called out during an oral test. But these words were: hose, rose, (those two not only rhyme but are formed the same on the lips no lipreading there) rode, those, hope, woke, joke, (again very similar on the lips...grrr) bone, stone, home. A hard of hearing kids nightmare!!! Not only does he have to figure out what word was said, but then his little 6 year old brain has to make the connection from the brain to the ear then he has to remember how to spell it, figure out how to write it, then try to decide if all of that's correct. Give me a break.
So I flipped my lid.
We studied the words again this time I gave him tips for lipreading and hard of hearing thinking. Something I've never done.
On Friday, he made a 100. As always. My kid's ability to overcome never ceases to amaze me.

Did I go to the school. No. Should I have? Maybe. Its one of those parental decisions you never know if you got it right.
I guess my thinking was if it was his final grade I would have, and at the same time it was an opportunity for him to be made aware of struggles he will have to face all of his life.
Will I bring it up at a teachers meeting. You bet. There's always room for them to learn and attempt to understand that he's always at a disadvantage when it comes to hearing. Will I have to have the way he is given his spelling tests changed, probably. But for now we're going to let it ride.

This is where I feel I've changed. I mean I can YELL AND SCREAM AND YELL AND SCREAM, but in the end it doesn't really help much. And it just makes me angry. I have to choose my battles.
This time I chose to put my anger aside and find a way to help my son deal with his limitations.

Closed Captioning in my Mind

2009-04-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

We have had our first bit of warm weather here! Its so nice.
Not too much happening in the Hard of Hearing part of my life. Just the everyday getting by and irritation at not hearing things I want to hear.
Now that I'm aware of the world thats out there, I hate missing out. I've noticed that I have the biggest trouble with groups or side conversations (as do most HoH people) where people think you were listening in, and expect a response....I don't know what to say so I do the...(uhhhh), smile, nod, (please be the right response), look away quickly. Irritating. When I'm in a group I try not to talk too much, I tend to make myself look like an idiot. People are like "What are you talking about?", and then I'm like "Oh, I thought we were talking about something different, never mind." then I exit as quickly as I can to avoid any more humiliation. Sometimes I wish I had closed captioning in my mind or better yet on the inside of my glasses, like they do on those sci-fi movies! Only in the movies its enemy info they are reading, but the same concept.

Everything but the kitchen sink is in this post...Closed Captioning, Hearing Test, IEP's, Movies...

2009-04-19T18:49:00.000-07:00

I started using the closed captioning on my T.V.
Let me tell you I was shocked. I've been watching some of favorite movies, again - for the first time! I can not believe what all I was missing.

Cam had his first "big person" hearing test last week. Its the first hearing test with truly accurate results.
His hearing loss is almost identical to mine. It shocked me actually. I was comparing his to mine and I got confused as to which was which. I had to look closely to keep it strait.
On a good note though nothings changed. (I'm always afraid he might lose hearing.) Not this time though, Thank Heavens.

We got Cam's IEP set up for next year and met with his 1st grade teacher. I think she is going to be fantabulas (my own created word there). That was an adventure all in its self. As the head of the special education department from the Board of Education said "We have a delightful problem with Cam, he doesn't qualify for services." Crazy I know, but its like his hearing is a disadvantage not a disability. His hearing is the disability which causes him to be at a disadvantage which qualifies him. Crazy yeah.
I thought it was hysterical that I had to get a hearing test to "prove" he was hearing impaired. I guess the hearing aids in his ears wasn't proof enough.

Anyone seen the new movie Knowing? Not giving away anything here, but the little boy character in the movie was hearing impaired and wore a hearing aid. Too Cute. Odd but facinating movie. I think it was the hearing impaired little boy with a hearing aid that I loved so much. :)

It's baseball time again!

2009-03-16T18:07:00.000-07:00

Cam has the most awesome baseball coaches ever! I mentioned today at practice how I might need to help him look where he needs to look in order to follow their directions on the field, and his coaches said they already noticed that and were going to work with him... They went on to say, they've coached Cam for 3 years and they'll take care of him, and see to it he knows whats going own. How wonderful!

He is so cute out there playing ball. Sorry you guys, but I'll be living at the ball field for the next few months, your going to hear a lot about it... :)

I can love myself and my ears

2009-03-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

I am so amazed by how much self acceptance along with the awareness of my own needs that I have acquired since I started this blog. Writing this blog has had the most profound impact on who I am as a person and how I view myself and how I view being HoH. It has truly opened my eyes to a world within myself that I didn't even know existed. I had no idea how much my life was effected by wearing hearing aids and being hearing impaired. Almost every area of my life is effected by being HoH, and yet I had never given it much consideration, nor did I know how much help I needed.
It seems so easy now. This is who I was meant to be. Becoming aware of my limitations has, as odd as it may sound, been the most freeing and liberating experience.
I'll give you an example. The other day at my little boys baseball game, I said, without even thinking about it, to one of the other mothers, that I needed to coach Cam to play as a hearing impaired child. (to use his eyes as his ears) I was shocked that I said it so casual. Then later I said I need to tell the coach that when Cam is on second base and looking at his coach for the signal to run, he needs to stay focused on Cam, so Cam can stay focused on him. Then just as natural as could be, one of the moms commented to me about something that had been said and I asked her what had been said because I couldn't hear. Wow. In the past I would have just done the yeah, I don't know what your talking about but I'll pretend I do, nod.
Its really okay to be Hard of Hearing. Its okay to need help. Its okay to ask. Its okay to be hearing impaired and not pretend you hear everything. Because I don't hear everything, and sometimes I do need help.

Not fearing the unheard

2009-03-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

I'm proud of myself.
I'm proud of all that I can do, despite the hardship.
I'm proud that I can do what I fear.
I can live and function in a world that doesn't notice that I struggle.
I can do it all, and still be sane....
I noticed today that I have risen above, above my own fears.
For that I am proud.

A Different Day, a Different World

2009-02-28T17:17:00.000-08:00

I had the meeting with The Board of Education and also with Cam's school. I brought along the information packet for his teachers and the other educators that were present. It went really well. Better than I had hoped. That was about 3 weeks ago. Everything has improved so much. Its almost like having another school, another teacher and also another child. I didn't realize how much it was effecting him. Cam is happy and learning so much more than before. Its so nice to see him happy its nice to see him enjoying school again. I feel so blessed right now. I never would have thought it would work.
The whole experience has opened my eyes to the fact that sometimes you can get the help you need. Sometimes people really do care. Sometimes the system works. Sometimes I need to let go of my past and realize the whole world isn't out to get us because we're Hard of Hearing. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen often, but when it does, it shows me what the world is capable of being. A world where being HoH isn't a burden, just a different way of living.

Note: For those of you who follow my blog you will notice this is the first blog where I've used the term Hard of Hearing. I've done a lot of research on the terms and its not that I don't still see myself as Hearing Impaired or that I will never refer to myself as such, but I will use which ever term fits my mood, after all its just a term.

It’s okay to be called deaf, hearing impaired, hard of hearing or whatever title you feel comfortable with. It’s when you limit yourself, put yourself in a “poor me scenario,” and degrade yourself . . . that will stop you from reaching your greatest potential and aspiration in life.
~Justin Osmond

Hearing Impaired and Evacuation Papers

2009-02-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

Cam and I went with my life long best friend (we'll call her Ruth) and her two older children, along with one of Ruths other friends to the Toby Mac concert at the Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center Arena. It was Ruths Birthday. We all spent the entire day together and had a fantastic time!
Ruth and her two beautiful kids.

On the hearing impaired end of it though, the Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center Arena was an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE! It saddened my heart beyond belief at the ignorance and callousness of the people who were employed at the event to help people.

But before that,,,

We arrived 4 hours early for the concert and stood outside with our children (imagine the pain of that...lol) and waited on the doors to open because there were no pre-sell tickets. But, even that was fun...

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

When we got inside, Ruth, being the person she is and my forever friend, asked the floor manager if there were any seats for the hearing impaired or if they could help us because my son and I both read lips. They had seats up on a platform set aside for this sort of thing, but my son and I wouldn't be with our friends. WHAT?!? Okay so the fact that they couldn't set aside an entire section for the hearing or visually impaired and their entire group of friends, I get it, sorta, but the fact that they wouldn't help us?!?

If we weren't willing to to it their way, then sorry. Go away. HUH?

I told Ruth to forget it anyway, because we were early enough to get seats on our own. So, we go over to a section at the side of the stage that was filling up. Only to be told we couldn't sit there the section was closed. (I've been to concerts where you couldn't sit back stage so that wasn't all that surprising.) Ruth again asked if we could stay so we could read lips. No! Go over there, to some reserved seats for hearing impaired. We go. No seats. By this time the arena is full.

WHAT?!? You've got to be kidding me.

We've spent 40 minutes getting the run around and lost all chance to be any where near the stage. Up top we go. I know it wasn't my fault, but I felt horrible for my friend. If she hadn't been with us and tried to help us, she would have been very close to the stage herself. But as always Ruth wasn't even fazed by the whole thing, lets get seats and have fun!

I get up to go complain, because we got the run around. They should educate their staff on reserved seating, or the lack there of, and not send people on a wild goose chase.

The lady at the service desk tells me that they have equipment for the hearing impaired. HUH? Thats not what I'm here about. I'm talking about the ignorance of the staff. I ask to see this equipment, I wanted to see what it was that was suppose to help me in the nose bleed section. She digs around in a box on the floor that has written on the front of it in a marker, "Hearing Impaired and Evacuation Papers". Now you've got to be kidding me?!? What does hearing impaired equipment have to do with evacuation papers? How insulting.

after a few minutes of searching she brings out a amplifying headset. Again, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. What good is that going to do me? I read lips. No matter how loud you make a sound, unless I have something to work with,(facial expressions, lip reading, captioning, something) I can't figure it out anyway. What a waste.

I go back to my seat.

And sit. In the dark.

Everyone around me is laughing and having a good time with the music and praise.

I sit. In the dark.

Cam at 5 has learned to adapt as well. I look over and he is pretending to play drums by himself while his friends are engaged in the show... My little boy sits in the dark too.

Now I'm Sad.

Then to my astonishment what do I see? The section that was closed is now open for the second wave of people. They only closed it so the first half of the arena would fill up so when they let the second wave of people in they could find a seats instead of it being scattered.

I'm Infuriated!

Now, I'm spitting fire!!!

I go back to the service desk to write a formal complaint.

A very nice gentleman listens to my story and tries to help me. He sees the floor manager and stops him to see if he can help us find seats closer. The floor manager is irate when he sees me and says "I've already talked that woman! She didn't want to separate from her friends!" No I didn't and my son isn't going to leave his buddies either.

So, I go and search on my own.

I find seats behind the stage, but at least from there we can see the big screen.

I went back to get everyone. My beautiful hearted friend Ruth and our other friend and all the kids were thrilled with the new seats. We got to see the performers as the entered and exited the stage. Very cool. Thats why we're forever friends.

Cam never lost attention, and in fact during intermission he went to the restroom, when he returned he asked me if he had missed any music. At that point we were having a great time. The concert wasn't over until 10:00 pm. Cam was exhausted. (He is usually in bed by 8) He fell asleep in my lap during a slow song. I turned off his aids and rocked my baby for the last couple of songs. Only a hearing impaired child can sleep though a christian rock concert...lol

Why is it so difficult to help us? Why does it irritate people that we need help?

Why?....

For hearing aids to be most effective, they must first be worn.

2009-02-04T08:30:00.000-08:00

I've been so appalled by what happened last week that my heart wasn't even into writing about it.
My little boy went an entire day at school without his hearing aids because his teacher had them on her desk...
Preposterous you say, but I am here to tell you it happened.
His batteries went dead at 9:30 am in the gym. He goes back to class, his teacher then makes the assumption that he had been sent to the office to call us. (btw, I personally gave her a pack of batteries and Cam knows how to change them himself) 10:30, 11:30, 12:30, 1:30, 2:30, 3:10 his dad picks him up at school. When Cam gets in the van, he doesn't have his hearing aids...
She never bothered to call us, and it was so unimportant to her that she didn't even remember to give them back to him at the end of the day!!!!
Disgusting isn't it?
And Oh btw, when my husband went into the school to retrieve the aids, the teacher couldn't even find the hearing aid batteries that I gave her.

Let's just say Cam's School is in for A BIG WAKE UP CALL!!!
I have a meeting in the morning with the head of the Board of Education. If that doesn't make me happy I will go to the State.

If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to shoot me any suggestions or links!

Cringe if you must, this is me...

2009-01-23T17:22:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I'm reading my comments and I come across this one. I must confess I was baffled.

Amy,
Every time I read your blog I cringe. Have you taken a Deaf Culture class? Have you educated yourself fully? I just had to let you know that saying "Hearing Impaired" is incredibly disturbing the the Deaf/HOH community. Hard of Hearing (HOH) is the term that we prefer. Saying impaired implies so many negative attributes. If you notice MANY of your commentors also use the Hard of Hearing term. I encourage you to investigate this further and talk to other HOH people.
Blessings,
K

Why would anyone care if I referred to myself as hearing impaired? There's a "politically correct" way to describe yourself, in your own personal blog? I do consider myself well educated, in fact I would say I've got 30 years of experience being hearing impaired and furthermore why would I need to educate myself in the proper way to reference myself while writing my own blogs about my own self discovery as a hearing impaired person?
Also I don't consider myself culturally deaf so the Deaf Culture concept has never really appealed to me as a lifestyle. I've never taken a Deaf Culture class, not that I wouldn't find it interesting, but I do have friends that are deaf and live within the deaf community and my life experiences as a hearing impaired person trying to function in the hearing world is not the same as that of my deaf friends. Actually, I don't feel like I belong to any one group. I'm just me. If you were to describe me as being deaf, hard of hearing, or hearing impaired it would all be just fine.
I don't think people should be made to feel shame or be afraid to talk about things because they might offend someone, especially when that wasn't their intention. I also don't think people should take offence to something when nothing was meant to be offensive.
We all have different stories and backgrounds, and the way we refer to ourselves varies based upon where those stories and backgrounds have lead us. Whats negative about that?
If you, yourself like to be referred to as HOH instead of hearing impaired, I totally respect your decision, but what does that have to do with me?

The 44th President

2009-01-20T11:02:00.000-08:00

No matter where my support went this election, or what my political beliefs were, as I sat and watched the 44th President of the United States be sworn in office, one thing came to mind:
Equality.
As I sat and watched the first African American President and his family stand on the west side of the U.S. Capital Building one feeling came over my heart:
Hope.
The hope for equality for all people, even the hearing impaired. Even my son.
So, for me, no matter where I stood politically, today was about everyone coming together.
Today, I was reminded of why I fight and write so much for equality for my son and myself. Today I was reminded of why it is all worth it.
Good luck Mr. President, and good luck to every one who is continuing to fight for their dreams.
May all our dreams come true.

Crazy Me

2009-01-19T21:54:00.000-08:00

I figured out why I wasn't hearing so well. It turns out that I have a humongous hole in my left hearing aids tubing. I don't know how I'm hearing out of it at all. I was shocked when I noticed it. I mean gee I really don't pay much attention to my aids huh? Its such and eazy fix.
Crazy Amy... Just Crazy. :)

Sometimes its nice to have ordinary days.

2009-01-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

A very interesting thing happened at work last night. We were very busy and it was extremely loud in the restaurant and I had a couple of my co-workers double-check to make sure I heard them. That was awesome, because I, indeed, had not heard them. They didn't assume that I heard them. I guess they have finally realized that if I don't respond I most likely didn't hear them. It was over all a fantastic night.
Me and my friend ZDaddy took the kids to the movies this afternoon. He has a daughter the same age as my Cam. They have a lot of fun together. I love going to the movies, I can usually follow the entire movie because its so loud.
Its nice to have days without hearing issues.

I still do not seem to be hearing well though. I'm going to have to get that checked...

Trying to stay out of the Royal Court, and hear at the same time...,

2009-01-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

My hearing aids haven't been working well for the last few days. Its like I can't get them loud enough. I'm worried they are on the edge of self-destruction. Ugg...
I will be working tonight. I agreed to work the weekend nights to help boost morale among our servers and front of house staff. This is usually a fun job. After all a good attitude is contagious. Tonight however, I found out that "The Queen" will be in our restaurant. Now don't get me wrong, for the most part The Queen has great ideas and suggestions. I also like the fact that she encourages everyone to do their job-the way they were trained to do it. After all I am the Lead Qualified Trainer at my restaurant, so I love to see everyone doing it the way they were trained. But anyway, what I dread is the music. Queen turns it so loud you cant even hear yourself think. Now I know she is following the "lets make it a lively place, happy and fun". But GEEE's it makes my night so stressful and it makes me angry. I'm trying to hear my guest, I'm trying to hear my fellow workers, trying to hear the bosses, and all the while trying to hear everything around me so I don't look like an idiot when someone calls for me or ask for something and I don't respond because I didn't hear them!
Well, its time for the peasant to get dressed and go serve her lord at the manor, all in hopes of keeping his queen happy.

The Ramblings of Nothing Exceptional...

2009-01-15T17:37:00.000-08:00

Being the parent of a hearing impaired child comes with many challenges. Being the hearing impaired parent of a hearing impaired child makes those challenges,,, different. For instance, something I've noticed that typical hearing parents worry about is how their child is going to be perceived by its peers. Are they going to be made fun of or even have friends at all. I don't give that a second thought. Hearing impaired or not all children will either be liked or not. Then at the same time, because I have lived it, I fret over things other hearing parents might not notice. Number One on my list is and always has been education. My school days were a living HELL, and I don't say that lightly. School was a complete nightmare for me. Not because of lack of friends, but because of lack of education. I was always a failure. I never "applied" myself. I was "scatterbrained". I "didn't listen". I "wasn't paying attention". I "talked too much". And my personal favorite, I was "Lazy". All the while, I didn't know why I couldn't "apply myself" or "listen", or "remember my home work assignments". I wanted to be a good student so desperately. That's what made every day of my school life torture. I CAN NOT let my child live that experience. He's smart. He's beautiful. He's also hearing impaired. If that teacher had to go though one day trying to function in the hearing world with only hearing aids... Ha! I laugh at what would happen. Ok. I know I'm ranting here. I'm just angry.
Today at work it was so nice to be there, doing my job, listening to conversations and when I got lost, I could just walk away and go do my job. After a while you get used to missing everything. Actually its okay. I thought today how strange it was that I just accept it. I always think to myself, "its not important anyway". On second thought, though, maybe it is. I don't know.
I want to be more. I WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOUR SAYING! Okay it matters.
But the older I get the less it really matters. I just give the "didn't hear you, but I'll let you think I did" nod and walk away. Hide. Get lost in myself. I've spent my life within myself. Ok. This is turning into a rambling of sorts when all I really wanted to say was that I spent my life in the public school system here in Nowhere, Alabama as someone who was "nothing exceptional". When all the while, it was the teachers who were nothing exceptional, because they let a beautiful mind go to waste. They let my education slip right though their hands, and didn't even know it or care.
Ok. Again I'm rambling. I'll stop.

"There are few pains so grievous as to have seen, divined, or experienced how an exceptional man has missed his way and deteriorated"
~Friedrich Nietzsche

my writings as a hearing impaired child

2009-01-14T17:14:00.000-08:00

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I have poems and diaries that date back to when I was as young as 8 years old. Writing has always been my outlet. Even though I was part of the "Forgotten Generation" of hearing impaired children, (the ones who were taught to be mainstreamed then over looked and forgotten about as if we had no disability) It was always in the back of my mind, and sometimes it would show up in some of my earliest writings.

One of the older poems I still have, dates back to October 1986. I was 9 years old.

Alone

Alone beneath the beam of the sun
and the rays of light
There was no way to tell how I felt so alone.

I can remember witting that poem as if it was yesterday. I remember how the sun was shining so beautiful that day and I can still smell my mother cooking dinner. I remember it more because of the weirdness I felt. It was the first time anyone had ever called me a name because of my hearing impairment. The girl called me a "Deaf Mule". Hey, we were 9. She didn't even know what it meant. I'm sure she meant to call me a Deaf Mute. How crazy is that.

Heres an interesting diary entry. I was 11.

Dear Diary,
July 7, 1989
If I had just three wishes:

#1. That I could hear like others

#2. I could have 3 boyfriends

#3. I could have magical powers

You know what though? At 31 those still sound like pretty good wishes....lol ;)

The best way I can think to sum the blog up is with one of my favorite quotes.

"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passions, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence." ~ John Adams

I don't share my poems often, but I thought some of you might enjoy this one

2009-01-05T18:46:00.000-08:00

Little Ears and a Mothers Hopes and Dreams

Hearing aids in the littlest ears, I'd ever seen.
With them died, all my hopes and dreams.

A little baby boy, too young to talk.
Wearing hearing aids, before he could set up, or even walk.

The anger the sadness, it all came and went.
Along with the therapy's, and doctors, and the money we spent.

I've spent my days, watching him experience the world- though his ears.
And without even knowing it, my days, have turned into years.

Now a little boy who talks way too much.
He has wide eyes, and baseball dreams, and eats Noodle O's for lunch.

The world is so beautiful, Do you hear what I see?
Looking now, I have a whole new set of hopes and dreams,
For the cutest little ears with hearing aids, I've ever seen...

-AEFK

My Mom: The Fighter

2009-01-04T12:16:00.000-08:00

I'm part of the 1980's hearing impaired "lets figure out how to fix them" children. You know, the time when they were discovering that early detection was key. Experimenting with what would work - audio, visual, cued... Then putting us out there with hearing aids to fend for ourselves so they could see how it worked. A time when hearing impairment was still "in the closet".
My mom had never seen nor heard of a hearing impaired child with hearing aids when I was diagnosed and fitted with my aids. (December 1979) If a child was hearing impaired with hearing aids it was probably stricken with other conditions that landed it in an institution of sorts. That was the idea people had then anyway. It probably didn't help that I lived in rural Alabama at the time either. I was fortunate that we were swept up by a team of specialist in Birmingham that were doing the, "mainstreaming concept". They went a little too far I think, because for most of my life I didn't realize I was hearing impaired... lol
Of course it was better than putting me in an institution (my mom visited one for the deaf and hard of hearing, and says it was horrid experience, after which she was sold on the "mainstreaming concept" even if no one else was!) I was the youngest child that my audiologist had ever fitted with aids. I was 3 months shy of my 3rd birthday. My mom says that she and dad were so excited to find out I was hearing impaired, because everyone thought I was mentally retarded or worse. Seriously. Even our family doctor just thought I was a spoiled mean brat. I was the baby of 5 kids, my mom knew better, and at her urging he sent me to an ENT in Birmingham. One of the first things they asked my mom was if she was sure she wanted to know what was wrong with me, because it could be more than hearing impairment if it was hearing impairment at all. After a diagnosis there was no turning back into oblivion. My mom never blinked. She HAD to know. Turns out I wasn't spoiled or mean.
Then it was time to go pick up my hearing aids. I have no memory of this trip and what memories I think I have, could have been planted by the many times I've had my mom tell me the story. This is how it goes.
It was December and snowing. The trip to Birmingham took over an hour in the late 70's because the interstate hadn't come through yet. I was sitting in my moms lap as the audiologist put the ear molds in my ears measured them to the aids, removed the molds, cut them, adjusted the aids and then slipped them into my ears. When they were turned on, I peed in my pants and all over my moms lap. I looked up at my mom with scared eyes, and she reassured me it was okay. And in a matter of minutes it was. The ride home was filled with wonder as I watched the big diesel trucks pass by and listened to the sound that their tires made in the snow.
I was never the same after that. Even the family doctor was shocked to see my changed behavior.
My mom once told me that she believe children who where hearing impaired were either introverted or fighters, thats how we survive. I always thought of myself as an introvert, she always referred to me as a fighter.
As an adult I know, I am a fighter.
After all, I learned from the best.

Life Happens, Hearing Impaired or Not.

2009-01-02T06:45:00.000-08:00

Its been awhile since my last blog.
Life Happens.
I got my hearing aid back, its working great.
I had and iron infusion, and take two pills a day.
I took a small leave of absence from work over the holidays because I had strep throat, and my mom was in the hospital.
Life Happens.
Christmas came and went.
My car bit the dust. Got a new van.
Went back to work.
Celebrated my 9th wedding anniversary.
Life Happens.

Everything has fallen into place now,, for a while I hope... :) I worked my first two shifts back at the restaurant Wednesday and Thursday. They went well. It felt good to be back. I've taken a step back from management for awhile. Its taken away a lot of the stress.
Hearing isn't an issue when you don't have to prove yourself all the time. I'll jump back in there soon, I'm sure... I can't stay silent for too long. Right now, I just cant fight the fight. I've fallen back into my comfort zone. I just need a break from the struggle to succeed in the hearing world. Sometimes I just need to be Amy. Not the Amy fighting for equality.

A New Day with an Old Aid

2008-11-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

Today I get my hearing aid out of the shop.
Wish me luck.
Oh,,, how I dread getting used to it again. I hate being aware of my aids, the head aches, the wondering if its loud enough, good enough...
I need it to work. I need it to be programed to give me an advantage.
Please, let it all be good...

Priceless Moments

2008-11-17T21:43:00.000-08:00

Ok. In my last blog I stated that there were no advantages to being hearing impaired in the restaurant industry.
Correction.
There is.
It was one of the funniest things I've ever experienced as a lip reader. Two employees were discussing me, the manager, and the restaurant in well,,,not so nice of terms. I was reading this from inside the kitchen through the window of the kitchen door. I told the manager what I was about to do, then as he watched...

I went around the kitchen, came up from behind them, put my arms around their shoulders and explained to them that there was a reason for the things they were discussing, the reason was "The manager and I want them that way." I also told them that out in the dining area was not the place to be having that discussion and it was inappropriate to be using profanity.

IT WAS TOO FREAKIN' FUNNY!!! They went white as ghost. They knew they were BUSTED, but they had no clue how they got caught.

Me and the manager had a good laugh over that one.

It was priceless.
Today there WAS an advantage. Today it was all okay.

Stop throwing it up in my face, I know I'm hearing impaired.

2008-11-16T08:13:00.000-08:00

My RLS is better. Turns out my iron is extremely low, it was causing my RLS to act up. I have to go to the hospital soon and have an iron infusion. Ugg.

Right now, I'm having a bit of a pity me moment. I'm so disgusted...
Sometimes being hearing impaired just pisses me off. I hate when I can't hear. I hate that other people assume that I have hearing aids and it fixes it all. Hearing aids are a beautiful thing, but they are not a fix all, they are not like glasses. You don't just put them on and every things fixed! This weekend at work, being hearing impaired SUCKED. We have a new district manager. (We'll call her The Queen). One of the first things she did was turn up the music in our restaurant. It has a dial that goes from 1-10, we keep it on 4 max. The Queen turned it up to 8! It sounded like a bar. It makes feel vulnerable like a helpless child a bit panic stricken. It also makes me feel like I'm being judged as less than intelligent because I can't hear. Then the next night, BAM right in my face again. I tried to work in the kitchen, and that just about sent me over the edge. HELLOO! WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH ME JUST A LITTLE HERE PEOPLE! Give me just a bit of understanding and consideration. ARE THERE ANY ADVANTAGES TO BEING HEARING IMPAIRED IN THE RESTAURANT INDUSTRY?!? The answer is NO!

The Leg Bone is Connected to the Hearing Bone

2008-11-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

My RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) is back, and flaring. Grrrr. I get so tired due to the lack of sleep. Today I was a walking zombie. That meant I couldn't hear. I was too exhausted to focus.
I have to be rested to hear. I hate RLS.

Hearing the Unseen

2008-11-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

I was was the opening manager at work this morning, and I was left with no choice but to do a conference call. Alone. Are you kidding me?!?
N I G H T M A RE.
I freaked out.
I've been on many conference calls before, but only as a listener (at other jobs). I've never been the one that had to represent my employers. I've never had to worry if I was missing anything, or if I was able to keep up with what was being said. I could get someone to fill me in later. And I sure didn't have to participate in the conversation. This morning I just didn't want to sound like an idiot in front of the other restaurants in our district, or our new district manager.
I did just fine.
Nothing to it.
I hate it when I freak out about something and later realize I was being stupid. I just don't trust my ears to do the hearing for me. I need to learn to trust myself to get the job done. Its scary sometimes to think that I can be a professional woman in the service industry and be hearing impaired.
I'm just Fantabulus!!! ;)

The Pain of a Loaner Hearing Aid

2008-11-05T06:20:00.001-08:00

I had forgotten what it was like when "loud" noises hurt. The loaner aid I'm wearing is not digital. It has a volume control. Wow. I had forgotten. I missed my volume control so much when I changed to digital. But now, after wearing an older analog aid for over a week now,,, I'm grateful for the lack of control I have. Its nice to have aids that adjust on their on. Cam squeals in my ear and it HURTS. Power tools are a no, no. And the high pitch beeping and clanking noises in the kitchen at work are torture, not annoying -PAINFUL!
The sound is so different too. Its bland. Dull. And it has NO DIRECTION. At least I can get a general idea of how far away a sound is with my digital aids, but with the loaner....Nothing.
I will be so grateful to get my aid back.

Sometimes its so crazy you just gotta laugh!

2008-10-25T06:25:00.000-07:00

Things can always get worst.
Sunday night my left hearing aid went dead. Nothing. Just Dead.
So, yesterday, I took it to the audies office (audiologist office). He confirmed my diagnosis.
"Its dead."
I sent it off to be repaired. At the small nominal fee of $283.00. That may sound like a lot. Its really not that bad. In Atlanta that would have cost me 4-500.
I did get an estimate for my new aids while I was there. About $1500.00-$2000.00 each. Again - not bad. Me and the audie are going to try "tweak" the ones I have to see if I can get a little more life out of them, to buy me some time to save the money.
I take Cam on Wednesday to get new ear molds made. More money.
Mon mon money Money Moooonnnney....

:)

Not Loud Enough, too loud, Not Loud Enough, too loud, Not Loud Enou...

2008-10-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm aware of my failing aids, I have been forced to use setting 3 (the loudest setting programed on them). This wouldn't be so bad, except setting 3 wasn't intended to be used as my primary, so the background noise is huge and the loud clanking and beeping noises in the kitchen are horrific. Makes for a tiring day, and a saddened state of mind. All I want to do when I get home is sit in the silence.

Hearing in the Dark

2008-10-14T13:05:00.001-07:00

When I was pregnant with Cam, we read all the books, went to all the classes, quizzed all our friends and family trying to gain information that would help us with labor and delivery. When I saw the pamphlet for Lamaze classes that were being offered at the hospital that I would be having my baby at, I snatched it up. After all, thats what you do when your having a baby, you go to Lamaze. When I got home, I made the called and found out when the classes started. We were told to bring a pillow. I was so excited. Lar was too. The afternoon came, we got dressed, drove down the the hospital. It was so thrilling to know we were going to get to share time with other parents and learn techniques to help with labor and delivery. When we got there, we went to the wrong floor. Searched. Panic. No one knew what we were talking about. This was a new program that was being offered. So we read our pamphlet again, and realized our mistake. We were 10 minutes late. Uggg, I hate to be late. When we got there, no big deal, we weren't the only ones who had gotten lost. Thank goodness.

We began the class by going around the room telling our names, and if it was our first child.
How fun this was.
Then the instructor told us to get in a comfy position with our partners behind us.
We were going to start by learning some relaxation techniques.

Then to my horror, without warning, she turned OFF the lights!!!

Larry could feel me tense up. He rubbed my arm. Letting me know he was there with me and it was okay.

Then she began to teach the class.
I heard nothing she was saying, because not only was I in the dark, she was whispering.
Then to my horror again, I heard the parents apparently answering questions.
Please, please don't let her ask me anything.

We laid there in the dark for what seemed like eternity.

I know they were talking and discussing things, because every now and then someone would be just loud enough I could hear parts of what they were saying.

To say the least, it was a nightmare.

Then the lights came back on and it was time for a break. Snacks and drinks.

Larry took one look at me and said, "you want to go?" I just nodded my head yes.

We slipped out the door without ever saying a word to anyone.
The minute we were out in the hallway, I burst into tears.
I was devastated. My first real important task as a mother and I failed.

The next day I went to see my chiropractor. He asked me how Lamaze went. I told him the story. Then he gave me the best advice anyone gave me my entire pregnancy (as far as labor and delivery) "You don't need Lamaze. Your body knows what to do. Trust it."

So I did. I had the most wonderful and perfect delivery. It went a beautifully as I had hoped it would.

The thing about this story that I find interesting is the fact that now, I would jump right in there and be like "Wooooohhhaaa,,,what are we doing here? I'm hearing impaired, I'm going to get nothing out of a class in the dark." Then see if we could reschedule for a Lamaze that would be more appropriate for my situation.

It really doesn't matter though, because in the end, it worked out.

I'm just so thankful that I can now speak up when its "too dark" for me and I can't hear. I have to be Cams advocate, and show him the way to be his own advocate....
I have to show him the way out of the darkness.

The Journey Out of Darkness

2008-10-12T19:06:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now. I've been doing my research for hearing aids. Found the perfect ones for Cam and I.
They can be ours, for a one time low price of: $10,198.00!
Thats right folks, over 10 grand.
I have health insurance. Woopee. It has a discount plan for hearing aids that will save us "UP" to 25%. That brings our total (if we get the entire 25%) to $7,648.50.
Do you know what I make in a year? Less than $15,000.
It would take me 8 months, or more, to save that, saving EVERY cent.
Geez. Thats horrible.

My money is mine. Lar pays all the bill and takes care of us. So I can spend my cash on extra things for myself and Cam. Anything special. Clothing, sports, fun, school activities.

Not to mention that even if we scrimped and saved and found away to make it work, Cam and I would have to go an entire year without the aids we so desperately need.

Got to find a way to make it happen.

So! The journey for new aids begins.

The Greatest Show On Earth

2008-10-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm aware of the fact that my aids are not working as well as they should be, it REALLY bugs me.
I want to hear what people are saying. The first time they say it.

Guess I'll have to start saving the money for the new aids. Let's just see how long it takes me...

On a good note though. Today at work, I asked the manager on duty to turn the music down so I could hear my guest better. (For those of you who don't know I work in a restaurant)
I actually asked for an accommodation!
That might not sound like much to most people but its a big step for me. I've always thought of myself as a typical hearing person... ha ha thats a joke. I had to become an adult and see though my child the BIG picture. To see what a handicap being hearing impaired really is.
Then I realized that I had to teach other people what being hearing impaired is really about.

Oooh, the crazy fun world of working in the service industry with hearing aids. It really forces me to push the limits. It forces me to live in the hearing world as a hearing impaired person. It forces me to make it okay for those around me that I'm hearing impaired. Its odd that I have to make it okay, for them to be okay, with the fact that I have a disability.

Sometimes my life feels like a circus act.

ATTENTION: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN OF ALLLLL AGES:

SHE HAS A DISABILITY,
SHES HANDICAPPED,
SHES HEARING IMPAIRED!

RIGHT THIS WAY FOLKS:

"Now. Are you okay with that?"
"How can I help you be okay with that?"
"Let me show you how this works."
"Let me show you how to, help you, make this work."

So whats next?
I guess, not becoming that "HANDICAPPED" person?

Its such a fine line. A balancing act, really.
Just like the Circus,
Sometimes I'm walking the tight rope,
sometimes I'm the freak show,
sometimes I'm playing the clown,

But the best time of all
is when I get to take off my costume, my mask, leave the circus at work,
and just
sit at home with my family,
and just be ME.

What Planet Are You On?

2008-10-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

I can remember watching an episode of the origional Star Trek when I was about 6 or 7 years old, where the Enterprise visited a planet where they killed off all babies that were not born perfect. So they were trying to create a society that was "perfect".
I told my mom, who was watching it with me, that I thought it was sad that they killed the babies, but I also thought it would be neat to live on that planet. No one was suffering because everyone was perfect.
She said, "Yeah?"
"Well you wouldn't be on that planet, then would you?"

I Think I Need Some Bug Spray

2008-10-01T19:25:00.000-07:00

My boss said to me today,
"I can't help it that you misunderstood me."
That bugged me.
Do I just have a complex or is it a legitimate concern?

Soaking Up the Silence

2008-09-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

My job is so noisy, that it drives me crazy some days. Like TODAY.
I'm just tired of all the noise. It has physically exhausted me.
I'm just sitting here in the quiet. Hearing aids off. Ahhhh. How nice.
I wonder if other hearing impaired people notice that too?
I wonder if they too, sometimes just want the quiet.

Some noises drive me insane. The vacuum cleaner for instance. Running water in the tub (actually I don't like the sound of any running water). The hair dryer. Mixers. Blenders. Any Electrical saws or tools. Outside with cars constantly passing on the road.
I literally turn off my aids anytime those noises are present. The noise isn't "too loud" and it doesn't "hurt" my ears, it just drives me insane.
I've never seen them listed like that, and now that I look at it,,,,there is a pattern there.....roaring sounds.....don't like them. Odd that I never noticed that before.
Wonder why those noises?
Interesting.

What Do I Want To Hear, When I Grow Up?

2008-09-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how comfortable I am with my hearing loss at work. Today, someone called out my name in the kitchen, the very noisy kitchen, I looked around to everyone I could see and no one was looking at me,(I have to do this because I can not localize sound, in other words I can not tell where sound comes from) so I yelled out "Where are you?!?" they were behind a door. They stepped out where I could see them and said "Right Here!" I loved it. It made life so easy to just come out and say it. I was laughing about it, I was like "yeah I was looking all over trying to figure out who was talking to me". It was so empowering and such a burden off my shoulders, to just be me.
Later I got the chance to do it again. I heard someone call my name from the office. I came out to the kitchen looked around, no one. I said "Who called me?" Someone replied, "Melinda, she needs you to unlock the closet." No one thought a thing of it. I couldn't believe it was that easy. Usually I would either act like I didn't hear them and wait on them to come and get me, or I would go around to each person individually and ask them if they needed me. This new method is so much simpler. Gezzz....
I just couldn't get over how easy it was, so I tried it again. Someone was talking to me from across the room, while I was busy doing something. I said "Come over here so I can hear you."
It was that easy. I was making a big deal over what was apparently nothing.
Wow. How nice.
Today was a good hearing day. Another great milestone in my self confidence as a hearing impaired person, in a hearing world.

The Word of the Day IS...

2008-09-28T17:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, so today I found a new word I was pronouncing incorrectly.

For those of you who are not hearing impaired or have never experienced it, this is a crazy thing. You've went your entire life saying a word a certain way, only to find out later that its not the way its pronounced. For me its VERY hard to correct. Either I misunderstood the word when I first heard it, or I read it, and have never actually heard the word spoken to know its pronunciation. A lot of times too, I will think there are alternate ways to pronounce a word and that is why sometimes even though I know the correct way, I think mine is okay too.
Some of my most common ones, and the ones my hubby and mom have corrected me on numerous times, are just plain funny to me, at this point I know the correct pronunciation, I just don't realize I'm saying the words wrong.

~Suite (I say suit,, Hotel Suit....my hubby loves that one...hey it makes sense to me, I mean, we have a suit of furniture and suit of clothing which is a group of items so why not a hotel suit?!?)
~Preference (I say per-fer-ance)
~Magnolia (I pronounce it mag-no-yee-a, this is my moms favorite...she has corrected me since childhood and I still get it wrong)

~Todays Word: Ter-tast-er-fee (the actual pronunciation is *drum roll please*........

Catastrophe !!! Thats right folks thats how I've been pronouncing catastrophe.

example: The party was a tertasterfee....)

Oh, the crazy, funny, life of the hearing impaired. You just gotta love it...
Its still kicking my butt at 31. Only now, I can laugh at it. I love being an adult, because its okay to like yourself and laugh at your imperfections when your a grown- up. Its a shame you're not allowed to do that as a kid.

If a Woodpecker Pecks on a Pine Tree and You Can't Hear it,,,,does it still make a sound?

2008-09-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

Today we went hiking. We had such a great time. We always do when we're outside. Especially in the forest. We love to hike, swim, ride our bikes, explore, anything in nature really. So, today, we're out hiking and we find a beautiful resting spot by a little stream. It's the most perfect weather, the most perfect amount of sun and shade. I was sitting there being thankful for the beautiful day, while Cam and Lar were looking for "fish" in the stream. All of a sudden Lar had us all be quiet so Cam could hear a woodpecker.

Umm,,,,

Shhhhhhh!!!

Shshh!

Mommy can't hear the woodpecker...

Ohhhh, wait. It must be too far away for us to hear it.

"Hey! Cam, can you hear that Woodpecker?"

"Yep, its going peck, peck pe e e e e e e e ek"

WHATS GOING ON?!?

By now I'm irritated. I want to hear the stupid woodpecker. My hearing aids have different settings on them that my audiologist and I set up for me. I have one that I use that is basically just my normal hearing but REAL loud. I use it at College to hear the professor in a large, quiet room. So anyway I turned it to that setting....and BAM! It was like the world came alive! I could hear birds, the woodpecker, leaves falling, water trickling down a stream, and way off in the distant other hikers.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?
I was living more in the dark than I realized! I felt so cheated!
When I first got the aids I'm wearing now, I could hear like that. Over time they have gotten weaker (I'm pretty sure its not my hearing.) and I really hadn't noticed HOW much I was missing!!!!
Grrr...
I hope I can find a woodpecker to peck on a money tree for me.
Because New Hearing Aids = MONEY
Its a double edged sword though,

Because New Hearing Aids = New Technology & Much Better Hearing, which = MONEY....

My biggest fear is money. That sucks. My insurance company should pay for them!

I needed to know that I wasn't hearing as well though...

So!
Thank You Woody Woodpecker!

Information Packet For Your Childs Teacher

2008-09-25T09:08:00.000-07:00

This was the best site I found for how to present your childs needs to the teacher. I changed what I needed to and added somethings that my child needed. A BIG Thank you to Cheryl and Listen Up for putting this info out there!
I also listed it at the bottom in my resources and website section.

http://www.listen-up.org/edu/hand-out.htm

Mommy's got Strep Throat!

2008-09-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

I've got strep throat! Uggg. This is horrible. Thanks TK for giving my strep... ;)

I can't get near my kid.

I can't eat.

I can't swallow.

I can't sleep.

But what bugs me the most, is that

I CAN'T GO TO CAM'S SCHOOL AND TALK TO HIS TEACHERS ABOUT GETTING HIM THE SUPPORT HE NEEDS TO GET AN EDUCATION!

However, after much, much searching I found a great resources for explaining and giving the info to the teachers. I desperately was searching for something that would help me explain the strategies and techniques that were needed to give Cam the best start in school that we could give him. I put many searches together and came up with a package I think might work.

Later when I'm feeling better I'll give you a better look at what I came up with.

Time for mommy to teach the educators how to do their jobs!

2008-09-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of research into how I want to present Cam's case to his school, and his teacher. I have specific goals I want us to reach with him.
Today I sent a note about the books we had read over the weekend, and also to let her know that Cam didn't know why he wasn't suppose to bring his orange folder home. She sent NO reply. Not professional at all. She never replies. I'm very irritated. She apparently doesn't see the need in communication with a hearing impaired students mother?!? Wow! How ignorant is that? She's suppose to be the educator right?
I guess I need to be her educator. Obviously she didn't see the need in educating herself on her new student.
I guess I will start with communication. She needs to understand how important that is for Cam's education and development as a student.
Let the battle begin. I'm going to go to the school in the morning and see if I can get anything accomplished.
Its just so irritating!!!

Camera, Lights, Action!

2008-09-21T18:03:00.000-07:00

The weekend is over tomorrow is Monday. Time for Cam to go back to school.
It makes me angry that he has to go to that school and fend for himself.
It saddens my heart that things haven't changed any since I myself battled the daily isolation of being left in the dark.

Just for a minute you imagine your an elementary school aged child say 6 or 7 years old, sitting at your desk coloring, then realizing all your classmates are getting up and forming a line at the door. You do what they do. The children have their finger over their mouth as to be quite as they walk down the hall. You do what they do. You wonder to yourself, "where are we going". Can't ask, so you just do what they do... You come to a halt down a long narrow hallway, one you've never been on before. You see lines of children in front and behind you. At the front of the line children are going into a room alone, one at a time. When they come out your looking for signs of what they might have been doing in there. Is it good, bad, scary, fun, boring? They are coming out of the room happy, so it must not be bad or scary.
Finally your turn to go arrives... You peep around the door...

Its picture day! Oh, how exciting! Pictures!

Bet you wish you would have known today was picture day, could have worn that really awesome outfit you had all picked out for picture day. You thought it was next week? Silly child. That's why everyone had on their "nice" stuff today. Did they tell everyone that the day had changed, wait, had it changed? How did you miss that? Oh thats what the teacher was talking about yesterday afternoon before you went home, you thought she was talking about music class being in a new location. You thought she didn't want you to forget about music.
How did they know?

I'll tell you how they knew.
They knew because they weren't living their lives in the dark.

It must be nice to go to school and know whats going on around you. It must be nice to have teachers that make sure you know. It must be nice not having to think so hard to figure things out for yourself.
It must be nice...

I wouldn't know.

My son will though, if it kills me.
He will not have to spend his childhood in the dark.
I may not be able to go with him, but I can make sure he has a flashlight...

Trying to Hear in the Dark, "Anyone Got a Flashlight?"

2008-09-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

My life is a beautiful Life.
I have my joy all wrapped up in a little boy. My mom is my best friend ~ she's my rock. My mom is a huge part of mine and Cam's life. She has a very special relationship with my son. She has been there holding my hand and giving me courage form the moment he was born. (well before he was born really.)
I have a few friends that I call true friends.
My large family consist of 2 brothers and 2 sisters. 5 nephews and 2 nieces and one great~niece. (Non of which are hearing impaired, by the way.)
I'm happily married to my husband, Lar. We have been married for 8 years. We've been together for 12. We have one child, my son Cam. Cam is also hearing impaired. He has mild to moderate bilateral hearing loss. His is almost identical to mine in every way except his loss is less. Lar is very loving and supportive of the hearing impaired needs that Cam and I bring to his life. We are very lucky.
I work in the restaurant industry, I'm the Lead Trainer and part of the Management Team. I Love my job. However, it is insanely crazy that I work in the restaurant industry, and wear hearing aids. Gees, Could I have picked a more challenging and noisy environment to work in?
Its a great experience to help me get to my goal. which is to finish my business degree and go into business management or an executive position with my current company. Of course if the opportunity arises elsewhere that would be great too.
We currently live in a small town in Alabama, one that has hardly no resources for the hearing impaired. We lived in Atlanta for 8 years that's where Cam was born and had all the advantages laid out for him. Its been a huge change to come back to my childhood home town. I suffered greatly here growing up because the schools here are so backwards when it comes to accommodating the handicapped. The educational and medical opportunities here are a joke. We have NO accredited private schools that are less than an hour away, we have no "real" pre-schools, we have no hearing impaired advocates (they too are an hour away), we have no audiologist for children, we have no Auditory Verbal Therapy (which I'm a HUGE fan of, Cam is a graduate from the Auditory Verbal Center of Atlanta) We have no help at all here. Its unbelievable really. Hearing Impairment is completely over looked here and unimportant. Its not even as good in Birmingham as it was in Atlanta, its better, but still not as good.
We moved back here so Cam could have the joy of growing up surrounded by family. Even though we are still glad we made that decision the sacrifices has been huge. The challenges here are abundant. I knew this when we decided to move back. I just didn't realize HOW challenging it was going to be in the year of 2008! I mean, can we please get beyond where we were when I was a kid?!? NO! Nothing has changed here. Why?!!! Its been 25 years, WHY are they still resistant to mainstreaming our children?
Living here is like trying to read lips in the dark and no one around here has a flashlight...
I'm up to it though, were gonna change this town, one little boy and his pissed off mommy ~you better watch out Little Town.
All I can say is "Bring it on!!!".

its how I hear what I see

2008-09-19T14:33:00.000-07:00

Cam came home from school today and he didn't have his folder that we record his homework in his back back. He always brings this home. Its required. But today his back pack was empty. I asked him why... his answer was "I don't know, the other kids left theirs at school, so I just did what they did". He has already discovered how to blend in and function in the hearing world. Its a method I've used all my life. When in doubt, do what the others are doing. Oh I know what your thinking, why don't you just ask whats going on. As a kid you don't want to stand out, and then also at 5 sometimes you don't know you should ask, or even how to ask. So this method follows you into adult hood and you just go with it, you don't even realize your doing it. Now as an adult if its important (such as at work, or doctors or things like that) I don't think twice about asking.
There are so many things I do without thinking. I just nod in agreement, I smile, I pretend to be listening and nod when everyone else nods.
I love it when I need someone repeat something more than once, they get aggravated. OH MY Goodness, I know you didn't just get aggravated with me. So I have responses for that too:
"I'm sorry, I'm just not with it today." "I hear you but its not registering, I don't know whats wrong with me today I haven't been able to hear a thing."
If your rude about it though....you better watch out, I figure if I can deal with being hearing impaired 24-7 you can deal with me for a few minutes. I love to tell them things such as:
"My hearing impairment is a handicap, but your mumbling isn't!" "Speak up and look at me, and I would quit asking you to repeat it!" "Hello! I'm over here look at me please!" or my personal favorite "I'm hard of hearing whats your problem!"

Its a lot of work for me to hear what I see.
I get tired.
I have to keep the background noise from getting in the way, read lips, guess, piece it all together, then repeat what was said.
And when I'm tired, I just want quite. That's where having hearing aids is a blessing. I just turn them off. As soon as I do, all is calm again. I can feel my body relaxing.
I don't think typical hearing people realize that we get tired so easy. Noise makes me nervous, makes me tired, makes me unable to hear. The dark is worst though. I cant hear at all in the dark. If I cant see I can't hear.
I can hear my mom over anything, anywhere even in the dark. She trained herself to accentuate her words and I spent my youth depending on her for my ears.

Sitting in the Dark

2008-09-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

I live my life about 60-70% of the time guessing what I heard. I have set though many meals with large groups and never knew what the conversations were, so I simply made up the dialog as I went. I know this may sound a little strange, but its better than sitting there in the dark. I started doing that when I was a kid. I had and still have a very good imagination. You should hear some of the conversations I've heard that never existed. People have warts, unwanted children, little big toes, bad breath, anything to pass the time. Sometimes my lip reading is horrible too. If a person mumbles or has an accent, I will think they said really silly things.

I've worn hearing aids since I was 2 years and 9 months old. The cause of my hearing loss is unknown. Although it wasn't considered to be hereditary, my son who is 5 is also hearing impaired he was diagnosed at birth by the Newborn Hearing Screening (he has mild to moderate hearing loss, also the same as me, also no speech delays) I know that makes you wonder. It does me too...lol

I read people ALOT. Most of the time I read their expressions correctly, but sometimes I'm wrong. My mom is the only person in the whole world that I am completely comfortable hearing around. I feel safe and unjudged by my close friends and family.
But my mom gets me. She feels it with me. Sometimes I think she must have lived a thousand hearing impaired lives with me ~ and now again with my son Cam.

Only a mom can truly feel another mothers pain.

The Lord gave me the mother he knew I so desperately needed to help me as a hearing impaired child, then again, to help me as a mom of a hearing impaired child.